Did you ever play Colecovision?

I sure as heck did.

For some reason, my family wasn’t into Atari so Coleco was my introduction to videogames. We had a pile of cartridges, I don’t recall many names except for Zaxxon and Ladybug. My mom freakin’ LOVED Ladybug – it was basically a Pac Man clone and there was something about collecting letters to spell “LADYBUG”. Don’t remember what that did, though it was probably awesome!

BOOM, Zaxxon!

And here’s a playthrough of Ladybug with no commentary!

I don’t remember a ton of detail about games (though I remember the ADAM computer add-on and the fact that MY BROTHER HAD IT AND IT RAN ON CASSETTE TAPES… SO AWESOME), except for their simplicity, in terms of intro playability, and complete and utter soul-crushing difficulty. I don’t remember passing the 1st level of Zaxxon… it’s possible I never did…


Batman: Arkham Asylum

I know I know I know. This game isn’t nearly old enough to be retro, but it’s… like… totally old man. That’s true and irrelevant.

This is a good game. Everyone likes this game.

So as I often do, I bought it during a Steam sale and didn’t get around to playing it for quite a long time. Now, a bit about me and new (ish) games these days: I tend to dislike new games right off the hop. In the last, oh, decade it almost always takes me at least a few hours to get into any game. I combat this by waiting until a Steam and targeting GOTY editions… basically I let the gaming community pick the best games for me, I buy them, and don’t play them for a year.

It’s a great system

Eventually I’m sitting around thinking: “which of these billion games do I try?” I fire up Arkham Asylum and get about 5 minutes in. “THIS GAME IS HORRIBLE!”

I know, right? Literally everyone I know who has played this game went/goes on and on about how smooth the controls were/are. It’s a great story. Blah blah blah.

One night over (many) beers I’m chatting about this with a friend and he gets really offended and starts interrogating me, wondering what was so bad about the game. “The controls are horrific” I says (you see, after many drinks I adopt a this-is-what-I-assume-people-in-the-20’s-sounded-like accent.

“WHAT?!?” says he. “That doesn’t make any sense. Are you using a controller?”

Me: “no, controllers on PC’s are for n00bs… right???”

Turns out they’re not for n00bs

So, dear readers, I picked up an xBox PC controller a few weeks ago and SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS ARKHAM ASYLUM IS AN AMAZING GAME. The controls ARE freakin’ smooth.

Controversial declaration: controls are important for maximum enjoyment of a game. And it turns out, the keyboard isn’t always the best way to handle input. Seems like they could’ve mapped the controls better… but I digress.

Turns out I should go back to Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood again.

PS – that game is damn near unplayable on PC without a controller. Seriously, try it out.

Decided to not just write about retro games

Dear reader, as you can tell I haven’t written anything on this blog in… oh… 2 months. This hasn’t been because I haven’t been playing any games. I have, though not enough. I just haven’t felt like playing any retro games, which was the original point of this blog.

So, in the interest of expanding my publishing (and seriously, excuses for playing videogames) I’m going to start writing more about my gaming experiences in general.

First off, it seems like Steam sales are addictive in a really insidious way: like, $10 for Arkham Origins when I haven’t played Arkham Asylum or Arkham City (from previous Steam sales)? Definitely! Get in my pocket…

I want to think about that one a bit more.

Afterburner – Game the game

Afterburner is a pretty boring game


My first attempt resulted in a lame score and only Stage 3

But I’m not sure why. I mean, it has all the elements that should make it pretty awesome (and why little Forsoothed would’ve thought it was awesome): you pilot a sweet F14, your missles ‘lock on’, you get to shoot billions of enemies, it’s not impossibly hard (possibly the name of someone’s sex tape)…

I can’t believe you clicked on that link, you perv! (srsly though, it’s SFW)

Maybe it’s just an example of a game/style that’s been done better as time moves on? Or maybe the ‘fly in a straight line with no real control over where you’re going format’ just doesn’t have any staying power once you’re past the coolness of the F14?

WHO DO I WORK FOR AND WHAT I’M I ACCOMPLISHING HERE? Are we at war? Who are we? What is war?



Warning – “game studies” sentences incoming

Afterburner is probably an example of a seriously ludo-game like Tetris, no story whatsoever, but without the interesting mechanics. A ludo-game without the “fun”.

End “game studies”


Anyhoo, the good parts: all of the aforementioned cool stuff, plus you get to launch from an aircraft carrier, the ‘Sega Enterprise’. Oh Sega, you do go on. The gameplay is quite crisp and since I’m not going to have the patience to play through the boredom, I immediately wanted to find a cheat to see what the bosses (if there are bosses) would be like. Apparently there are 18 stages in Afterburner, I think I made it to 5 or 6 with some real effort.

Final thoughts, or “After” burner (oh self, you do go on)

In retrospect, this should’ve been a ‘played it for 5’ game: worth resurrecting for a quick (barrel) roll, but I’ve spent more time writing about Afterburner than actually playing it.

You let me down younger self, you let me down.

I did get better, 10X my first go-round #hardcore

I did get better, 10X my first go-round #hardcore


Afterburner – Sega Master System – Pre game

This game was the great white buffalo of my childhood. I only ever got to play it a few times and because I grew up in a small town, the rental options were… slim.

Basically, little Forsoothed loved this game so much, but never had much of a chance to play it.


Thus, I don’t remember much about it: barrel rolls by executing a quick L-R (maybe); getting shot down ALL the time; and AIRCRAFT CARRIER LANDING. I don’t know if that last one was a reality, but I sure hope it is.

AH! I also just remembered that I came across this game at about the same time as that F14 Tom Cruise movie… he was Maverick… Anthony Edwards dies (I know I know, spoilers)… WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER THE NAME!?!


Oh man, F14’s were the bad ass-est things ever. Did you know, the Tomcat was retired in 2006?

*single tear*

Fly on you badass, fly on!

Super Monaco GP on Genesis – Pre game

I’ve never really been into racing games. They’re always ok to play for a bit of a distraction, or smashing friends with blue shells when they’re in first place, but there have been very few that have ever held my attention. I think only the original Gran Turismo on PS1 and Super Monaco GP have ever really had any staying power for me.

Because this is a retro games blog (and I decree that PS1 is NOT RETRO) I thought I’d spend some time thinking about Super Monaco GP. Now, in my memory this is a Sega Genesis game. However, I’m starting to wonder if that is actually the case. You see, it is at least ALSO a Sega Master System game.

(insert some research time passing… think of some amazing elevator music)

Thank Gord it’s also a Genesis game, I have not lost my mind grapes!

This might’ve been one of the first games I had on my Genesis, I certainly played it a lot. Or, did I even OWN this game? I have a really strong association between a friend of mine and this game… maybe it was HIS game?

At any rate, I remember the gameplay being smooth and the courses really challenging. One particular corner sticks out in my mind: after a looooong straightaway having to break hard and gear down from 7th to 3rd gear. Strange that I can remember that one particular corner, but not if I even owned the game. Brains are weird.

I remember a cool league or circuit-type business that was a lot of fun, there must’ve been standings, but I don’t remember how I did.

We shall soon see!

Why have I never played Metroid?

I’ve never played any Metroid game. Ever.

There, I said it.

I have no idea why I never have. I’ve wanted to, especially since I started writing this blog. But something always stops me and I don’t know what it is.

My 1st memory of Metroid is being a kid and being over at a friend of my brother’s. I don’t know if this was actually the case, but I remember they had a TV hung from the roof (remember, this is old CRT TV’s and it probably would’ve been quite small by today’s standards) AND THEY WERE PLAYING METROID ON NES ON IT!

It probably looked something like this – AWESOME then, not so amazing now

This probably set the standard for opulence that I’ve been trying to achieve in my life since then, but that’s a different blog. I recall he NES being new at the time, this might have been the first time I had even SEEN a Nintendo, so the whole thing was really impressive. BTW – remember at the beginning of the NES when they had a robot? A ROBOT?!?!

It’s Samus, not Seamus. Dumbass.

I also don’t know a ton about the game. I think it’s an open-world-ish game (ala Mega Man); that it’s hard, but not Mega Man hard; and of course, it features the most famous female videogame protagonist: Samus Aran.

Anyway, at some point I’ll start in on this series and it will be epic… or maybe hard to get into… or maybe the NES game will be too difficult and I’ll skip ahead to something more appropriate for my skill level… but you get the point 🙂